Faking Work Idea #3: Reading Magazines

How can you safely read a magazine at work without getting noticed? This is a question that all cube monkey's have asked from time to time. The most effective method I've seen is to put the magazine in a manilla folder.

Sit in your uncomfortable cube chair, facing your cube opening. Open the manilla folder containing your magazine and start reading. When your boss walks by you will look like you are reading important work documents within the folder.

Important Note: Always keep a few "real" work papers sitting on your desk and occassionally glance at them while reading your magazine. This will give everyone the impression that you are referencing other documentation while reading the important "documents" in the folder.

If you use this or any other faking work idea on this site, you assume all the risks. There is a chance you can get caught and get fired. I am not responsible if you get fired. These ideas are for entertainment purposes only.

Faking Work Idea #2: Printing Documents

One surefire way to look really busy is to print stuff. Go to your company's network drive and choose a document that is at least 20 pages in length. Open the document and hit the print key. However, make sure you choose a printer that is far away from you. It will take extra time to walk to the printer and each extra second spent walking is an extra second not working!

Once you retrieve the document, stand at the printer and page through the document. Don't actually read anything, just flip through the pages. Nod your head approvingly a few times. Put a look of concetration on your face.

Then, exclaim, "ah, shit!" This will tell everyone that you made a mistake and must reprint.
Do this a few times until you feel enough time has been wasted. This is not the most environmentally friendly way to fake work, but it is a method that can help slowly chip away time

If you use this or any other faking work idea on this site, you assume all the risks. There is a chance you can get caught and get fired. I am not responsible if you get fired. These ideas are for entertainment purposes only.

Faking Work Idea #1: Surf the Internet

This is the number one way to fake work. I often wonder what employees did at work before the Internet. Everyone reading this knows what a great time waster the Internet can be. Are you remodeling your kitchen? Reseach products. Are you buying a new computer, find the perfect one online. Why spend precious time at home surfing the Inernet when you have eight hours at work?

Dangers
Many employers monitor not only where you go on the Internet but also how much time you spend surfing the web. Many employers also capture keystrokes. This means that they know where you go, when you go, how long you spend surfing and what you are typing.

Remediation Strategy
This may not be possible for everyone, but bring your own personal laptop to work. Unfortunately, you can't hook your modem to the phone in your cube. Therefore, you need to buy a digital to analog converter. Use that converter to dial into the Internet. Your connection will be slow (dial-up) speed, but you'll be able to surf the net without worries.

One final idea is to get a wireless network card. You may get lucky and pick up an Internet hot spot. It may be free or you may need to pay for the connection.

If you use this or any other faking work idea on this site, you assume all the risks. There is a chance you can get caught and get fired. I am not responsible if you get fired. These ideas are for entertainment purposes only.

Faking Work: Introduction

Most white collar workers who are middle management have plenty of time to fake work. If you are bored at work, hate your job or would simply like to get paid for working 20 hours a week and screwing off for the other 20 hours, take notes!

I have devised over 50 ways to fake work and will detail them in The Cube Monkey blog for the next 50 days or so, enjoy reading!

PLEASE NOTE: If you use ANY or ALL of these ideas and attempt to fake work, you assume all the risks. There is a chance you can get caught and get fired. I am not responsible if you get fired. These ideas are for entertainment purposes only.

IT's Great Having Two Bosses!

You think having two bosses would be horrible. In the workplace spoof masterpiece, Office Space, the main character is asked repeatedly for the “TPS Report” from multiple bosses. In today’s workplace where employees are matrixed to many different projects it is easy to have two, three or more people to whom you report. Usually they never communicate. These managers proceed on their projects with blinders on not knowing what the heck you’re doing on your other projects.

The fallacy of matrixed resources is that instead of maximizing their time it does the opposite. Since neither boss knows what the other bosses are assigning, they assign less work. Assume you are on three projects reporting to three different project managers. You won’t get 13 hours of work a week from each. You’ll get 6-8 hours of work from each manager for a whopping total of 18 – 24 hours of work. That leaves plenty of time for work-leisure activity.

As a Cube Monkey it is your duty to keep up this fallacy. When with a specific boss, act busy and make comments about the other projects. You want to give the appearance that you are up to your eyeballs in TPS Reports.

Office Crybaby

I went to MSN and found an article about office crybabies. This article had some extremely profound insight. For instant, it said that crying at the office is a bad thing. Really? I thought that crying was acceptable (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).

Of course crying is unacceptable at work! I think it is unacceptable for reasons you may not consider. Why would someone cry at work? Most likely because something went wrong. You were criticized. You were made fun of. An idea of yours is shot down. My premise is that crying is unacceptable because work is not that important! Think about it, you are an expendable unit that can be fired or laid off at anytime and the organization will continue without you. Why get upset with a person or entity that cares so little about you? If the most despicable person you knew said you were ugly would you cry? You probably would not well up with tears because you don’t respect the person. Your office doesn’t respect you, you shouldn't respect the office. So don’t cry. It is that simple.

If something bad happens, move on. If your boss yells at you and pulls out a gun, then sure, ball your eyes out. But unless physical violence is threatened, accept the criticism and move on with work and life. Life is way to short to worry about what you boss says. Like you, he (or she) is not that important either. The company can get rid of him (or her) just as easily as they can get rid of you.

There are instances where I think crying is completely acceptable (and I’m being serious). If you get a phone call about a death in the family, tears are okay. If another 9/11 happens (God forbid), crying is okay. If personal tragedy strikes at work, tears should fall.

Outside of tragedy, take EVERYTHING anyone says at work with a grain of salt. They, like you, are wholly unimportant to the organization.

Popularity at Work

A recent Columbia University study showed that “jobs, pay raises and promotions are more apt to be awarded based on a worker's charisma than on his or her academic background or professional qualifications.” Really? A research study was conducted to point this out? Duh! I’ve known this for years.

I worked for a company where there was this guy who, for some strange reason, was loved by management; despite the fact that he was a complete screw up. I’m not lying when I say he personally messed up three projects. His complete incompetence messed up two projects and his indiscretions with a female project team member messed up the other. Despite these set backs, his boss and the company in general loved him. He could do no wrong. He was a fun-loving, jolly guy who everyone seemed to like. In grade school he was probably the class clown that always got in trouble but was also the teacher’s favorite.

So, what’s a cube monkey to do? Well, if you aren’t attractive, hip, popular, or witty I have some very practical business and success advice. Get plastic surgery. If you are fat, bald, sagging in all the wrong places, or just plain ugly, go to the doctor. I’ve watched these plastic surgery shows and they can perform miracles. Forget make-up and toupees. Plastic surgery is the answer.

If you aren’t popular, I suggest that you start hanging out with people who are. Take notes on how they schmooze. Look at their body language, how they use touch at the perfect time to boost the other person’s positive perception of them. If you aren’t witty, invest in a good joke book and take comedy lessons. Many community colleges have acting and stand-up comedy classes.

Of course I am kidding on many of these fronts. Don’t be someone who you aren’t. I will agree that there are some people who can be complete incompetent boobs yet do no wrong. However, I think being likeable and popular is about being fair, compassionate, trust worthy, reliable and friendly. If you sit at your desk all day and grimace when someone asks a question, you won’t be very popular. However, if you are the type to lend a helping hand, take time to listen, etc., your “likeability” will go up substantially.

SOX Sucks!

I completely understand why Sarbanes-Oxley was enacted. The country got fed up with misguided executives having all sorts of fun with stockholder’s money. I was angered by the gross lack of ethics but I was also angered that hard working employees (fellow cube monkeys) lost their retirement or were laid off due to a bunch of guys who thought they were too powerful to be accountable. I enjoyed watching these men in their 3-piece Armani suits being escorted by the FBI in handcuffs. Oh yeah!

I’m glad the government stepped in to help fend off corporate wrong-doing but I’m a bit peeved at SOX’ implementation. I work in Information Technology and our corporate folks are always waiving the SOX flag. I am working on a small web-based application that does not and will never hit the financials of my company. However, the SOX and process police are constantly asking if my processes are documented and asking me to complete a SOX form that contains a ton of questions. When I take my good ole time in getting back to them they say, “Well, Sarbanes-Oxley says…”

I’m convinced that SOX is giving raw, unadulterated power to the process police. PMO groups tried to enforce policy but never could. They never had any bite. Thanks to SOX, PMOs can waive the SOX banner and all must comply with their demands of countless pages of documentation. A friend of mine told me that SOX compliance and documentation ate up 40% of his entire project budget. That’s ridiculous!

What’s funny is how once virtually powerless process people now have enormous egos. They walk around the office like gods who are to be feared because of Sarbanes-Oxley. If I could draw cartoons I’d draw the SOX police as men and women in police uniforms carrying cattle prods. If you do not have your documentation done on time and if it isn’t at least 200 pages in length, you’ll get zapped by the cattle prod. Cube Monkeys everywhere shall cower in fear of the SOX police.

The Myth of the Long Workday

Many companies promote cultures that state, “The longer your work day, the more productive you are.” Some don’t even care about the length of time you work but how late you stay. For instance, you could get in at 6AM and leave at 5PM (a 10 hour workday), but if everyone else gets in at 9:30AM and works until 6:30PM (an 8 hour workday), you’ll be viewed as a slacker. I’m here to dispel this myth.

I’ve worked for companies that have true flex time and staying late is not a badge of honor. Most companies I’ve consulted for, however, think that if you work late, you are a great employee and team player for burning the midnight oil. In my experience, however, those who work until 7PM or later often don’t work any more efficiently than those who work until 5PM. Even though it appears that those late night employees are working longer, they are simply working an 8 hour day because they get in late as well. Here's the best part - the majority of those late workers often spend most of their day at the coffee maker, chit-chatting with their co-workers, surfing the Internet, or a host of other unproductive work activities. However, because they stay late they appear to be more dedicated. What a crock.

I’ve been in some companies where the boss walks around the office after 6PM and mentally takes note of who is still working and who went home.

We live in a sick and twisted work world where many companies reinforce the urban myth that employees who work late are better employees. Hogwash! Companies need to stop this charade. Who cares if a person works until midnight. The question should be, does the person get the work done? Is it done right and of good quality? If the answer is yes then my God, please let your employees go home and enjoy their families!

Blackberry Envy

I often wonder if people who own Blackberries use them in public so they can say to themselves, “See how important I am! I have a Blackberry and you don't! You probably think I’m a big shot sales guy or executive.” I remember a long time ago when cell phones were not as prolific as they are today. A friend of mine got a cell phone and said, “I’ll put the phone up to my ear in the car just so when people see me I’ll look important.” That’s twisted!

I also wonder if there is Blackberry envy. Do people who don’t have Blackberries want one; lust for one? I have a few friends who’d die for a Blackberry. To me, that is like selling your soul to the devil. Once you get the Blackberry your workplace has you hooked. There is no hiding anymore. The Blackberry could potentially put a leash around the necks of cube monkeys everywhere.

I was personally hoping Blackberry would get shut down so people could give their thumbs a break. But, oh well. That's not going to happen now. Just know that this Cube Monkey will NEVER get a Blackberry.

Blackberry Zombies

As I walk around downtown, ride the elevator in my office building, or sit at a restaurant at lunchtime, I see business people using their Blackberries. A Blackberry is a marvel of modern efficiency. With it you can stay in constant contact with your office at all hours of the day. The Blackberry device let’s you read email, check your calendar, and much more wirelessly. No matter where you go, you’re tethered to work.

I see office dwellers and cube monkeys alike walking around like zombies glued to their Blackberry device. I guess that’s how it got the name “crackberry”. Instead of enjoying their temporary reprieve from work, they are like addicts getting their “fix”. Can’t the email wait? What is so damn important that you can't wait 15 minutes until you get back to your desk?

If you have a Blackberry you can no longer use the excuse, “I wasn’t at my desk and therefore didn’t get your email.” If you have a Blackberry, everyone knows it and expects an immediate response no matter where you are or what you are doing. Bad case of diarrhea? If that Blackberry goes off when you're on the cayou better get that email. Damn the runs!

I don’t have a Blackberry nor do I want one. When I’m outside the office building, in the bathroom or at home, I want to be left alone. If someone sends me an email, it will need to wait. I’m not picking on Blackberry but it is just another technology that let’s us stay work-a-holics. We monkeys were made to work but we were also made to play, love, enjoy leisure time and much more. A monkey who works too much becomes one of those monkeys who gets angry and starts throwing shit at everyone.

"If you get hit by the bus..."

I was in a meeting yesterday when someone said, “We’ll need a backup in case Sandi gets hit by a bus.” I’m sure that you’ve heard this phrase repeated many, many times. I understand the need for a backup since we are all cogs in a wheel but what a morbid way to get the point across!

My question is, where is this bus and why won’t somebody stop the bus driver! Every company I have ever worked for is afraid its employees will get hit by this bus. Why not a train, airplane crash, stabbing or car crash? Corporate America, stand up to this dreaded bus and its crazy driver!

Of course I say this in jest. The phrase, “getting hit by the bus” is now a part of everyday business lexicon. This goes back to one of a previous blog entry where I remind each cube monkey that he/she is completely unimportant and expendable to the organization. You are a part in a giant machine that can easily be replaced.

So be careful and stay on the lookout for the most feared business risk, the dreaded bus that goes around and runs over employees.

How You Doin'

“How are you?” What a dumb phrase. On the surface this pleasantry sounds nice. You see Jane at the coffee maker and she asks, “How are you?” You think, “Jane just asked how I’m doing, she must be concerned about me or at least interested in my well being,” Wrong. Jane may hope you aren’t hemorrhaging but she really doesn’t want to hear about your kids, the lack of sleep you got last night or how your in-laws are driving you crazy. All Jane wants in the response is, “I’m fine Jane. How are you?”

The phrase “How are you?” is thrown around today like a pigskin in the hands of Peyton Manning. It has replaced “Hello” or “Good Morning” as the top office greeting. Not only are we in the habit of saying, “How are you?”, we also reply back with the grammatically incorrect, “I’m good.” or the grammatically correct, “I’m fine.” Are you really fine? What is fine? I think fine is somewhere between shitty and pure bliss?

I guess that is how Budweiser came up with the ad where all the guys in a neighborhood bar ask, “How you doin’?”. Then an out-of-towner walks into the bar. When they ask him how he's doin’, he proceeds to tell them, in great detail, how he is actually doing.

They seem annoyed.
Do me a favor, please stop saying, “How are you?” You don’t really mean it when you ask the question so why ask it? If you are interested in the person’s well-being truly probe for information. Ask questions like:

• What did you do this weekend?
• How did Johnnie perform at the piano recital? Did he play well?
• How is the TPS report coming along?
• What did you discuss with Johnson at 2PM?

Never use the term ‘How’ unless you are specific in your question. “How did Johnnie perform at the piano recital? Did he play well?” begs the person to give you more information and start a real conversation.

If you see someone and don’t want to engage in conversation but want to appear polite just say, “Good morning” “Hello” or “Have a nice day”. This will make you appear courteous but will not get you involved in a lengthy discussion.

Bad, Bad Office Coffee

We in the United States drink coffee. Coffee is a symbol of our freedom. It all started when we dumped British tea in Boston Harbor. Since the French were our allies in the war against the British we adopted their national drink; coffee. Ok, I’m kind of making this up but you see my point. Coffee is the lifeblood of the U.S. economy. If you want to see the U.S. economy plummet, have the government ban coffee. Whoa Boy!! Look out!

If you accept my theory (which is questionable), how did we go from rich, dark, French coffee to crappy, watery, light brown office coffee? Coffee should not be light, see-through, brown! In my humble yet monkey-brained opinion, office coffee is the worse possible kind of coffee. Instead of spending a little more on Starbucks, Caribou, Seattle’s Best or some other good quality coffee, the Office Dwellers have decided that monkey’s get low-grade coffee.

Management sees coffee like a college student sees beer. A college student doesn’t care about the taste of beer; he’s looking for the effect. That effect is pure drunkenness. Your management doesn’t care about the taste of coffee. They are after the effect. That effect is keeping you awake and productive. Just as the college student will by the cheap beer for the effect, management buys cheap coffee for the effect.

My advice…buy a coffee maker, bring it to work and brew your own! Monkeys deserve good coffee!

"Weighty" Cube Conversations

I’m sitting here going mad. I don’t want to offend my female readers but I must rant. Before I start, I will say that I am in good shape and have exercised since I was a teenager. So, perhaps I don’t understand the “plight”, but even still, I had to write about this.

I sit in a cube and I'm surrounded by women. They are all very nice but talk about food, losing weight, how tight their pants fit, how pudgy they feel, and what diet they are on all day long. As I write this blog entry, there are two women talking about how much weight they lose when they get sick. Yesterday, another group talked about how they were starting Weight Watchers. Last week it was Adkins and the month before it was South Beach. The complain about not losing weight but all I see them do is eat candy all day.

I have a solution that will help you to lose weight, tone muscles, sleep better, lower your cholesterol, give you more energy, prevent osteoporosis, help your posture, allow you to live longer, and give you a better quality of life now and when you are 80. What is this miracle? EXERCISE!!! Just exericise. Stop bringing in the brownies and cookies. Stop eating the candy. Stop. Just stop. Eat right and exercise. It really is that simple. I’ve done it and have helped others do it. It takes time and discipline, but it is very simple. If I hear one more person talk about Atkins and then eat a brownie, I’m going to scream.

Please, I beg you (guys and gals). If you are complaining about your weight, stop eating the junk food. If you are going to eat junk food, stop complaining about your weight. Thank you.
Whew..I’m glad I got that out. Now I need a chocolate covered banana!

You're a Cog in a Giant Wheel

You think you’re important to your organization? Well, you’re not. That simple revelation may come as a shock but it is true! In an episode of Friends I saw a few weeks ago Chandler exclaims, “All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...” In the movie, Jerry McGuire, Jerry (Tom Cruise) gets fired. As he walks out of his office with Dorothy (Rene Zellweger) he states, “Let’s see how they do without us.” As they leave, the office workers are quiet and motionless as they watch. Once Jerry and Dorothy are gone and the door shuts behind them, the office resumes business as usual.

Cube Monkey’s are expendable. Ask yourself this question. If you stopped going to work, could the company go on without you? Be honest. Unless you are the sole employee or work for a VERY small company, the company will be fine without you. Sure, they’ll struggle for a week or two, but the company will still thrive. An organization is built with structure and processes to ensure its survival. Despite what management and popular leadership books state, the organization must survive. In order to do so, it must make employees expendable.

The organization is a machine. Its parts are its people. Like any machine, if a part breaks down, falls out or is taken out, it can easily be replaced. Perhaps some parts are more expensive than others. Some parts may even be hard to find. But a part is a part. It can be replaced.

Sound depressing? It shouldn’t be. It is reality. That is why you shouldn’t base your life on your work. Think of the other areas of your life where you are important and essential. If you died, your family would never be the same. You aren’t replaceable. Sure, your wife or husband may re-marry, but there will always be a place in his/her heart for you.